Wednesday, January 2, 2013

An Open Response To A Heckler

What better way to start the new year than with good old fashioned hate-mail?

"I'm not really sure where to begin. Should I point out your numerous syntactical errors? Highlight your misuse of words? Expose your underlying structural issues? This, along with everything you write, is an abysmal excuse for prose, let alone coherent argumentation.

I suppose what bothers me most (other than your utter inability to construct well written paragraphs) is this holier-than-thou attitude espoused throughout the piece. Willis Gordon, blowhard extraordinaire, is the savior of the masses! Only he can shed light upon what is worth striving for; only he possesses a vision of what values society should adopt and maintain.

Try going to school and learning how to write - perhaps then we might be able to stomach your drivel."

I love a good heckler. It’s really a reflection of your audience and the enemies that you’re making.  This particular one is troublesome to me because they were seemingly too scared or careless to identify themselves. I’m inclined to believe that whether male or female, this particular Philistine was not in possession of testicles, or at least the testicular fortitude needed to overcome their own cowardice and identify themselves. So we’re either dealing with an angry woman, or an even angrier eunuch or castrato.

It starts off promising enough. They would like to give me an education on structure, syntax, and vocabulary (which is always welcome) but then appear to wander off into personal attacks. I found myself thinking, “This poor bastard has the attention span of a meth addled squirrel in a room full of strobe lights! Stick to your script!”  Sadly we would have no such luck.

 Their choice of words implies that they wanted me to take them seriously as a steward of the written word and my intellectual superior, but then they get to the heart of the issue. They just don’t like me. Well this is disappointing. What an awful thing to be. Disappointing. What started out promising has turned into bland and run-of-the-mill mudslinging event, and it’s not even GOOD mudslinging! This is a lukewarm heckle if I’ve ever seen one. They spell everything right, their grammar is fine, it’s adequately paced, but it’s empty. Void of any real substance. This person isn’t even good at being BAD! I enjoy the shitty hecklers! All those spelling errors and misguided rage made me feel like a kid again.

It is a poor and destitute soul that values schooling over education.  A costly mistake made by those brainwashed by a failing school system and spoon-fed empty ideas by drowning leadership. No one with half a (useful) brain in their head thinks that I fell out of the sky onto a typewriter and somehow got two books and a column out of it. There has been the education of life and independent study, something that this person as a living embodiment of the Bell Curve knows nothing about. 

“Blowhard Extraordinaire” is the best line in the whole bit and it isn’t even accurate. What a sad state of affairs when this is the stature of heckles I get. Some awful little rodent hiding out behind a computer screen, wallowing in the filth of mediocrity and banality, desperately clawing for a little bit of attention because they’ve never been good at anything. Not even being bad.

Bad is at least memorable. A bad meal, or a bad drink, or bad sex can turn into a funny story later. Being painfully average or lukewarm...That’s the worst. It’s forgettable, it’s tasteless, and it’s bland. There’s no flair to it, no style. Nothing to separate you from the rest of the nobodies. 

So you wanted a little attention, I’ve given it to you. Broke you off a little something to treasure for the rest of your awful and lackluster life. Maybe this will inspire you to do more with yourself than vegetate in front of a monitor and type up vapid and uninteresting heckles. The worst thing you can be in this life is boring, and you are the dull and inadequate example.



1 comment:

  1. "A living embodiment of the Bell Curve" is an instant classic.