Tuesday, October 23, 2012

The Banana Republican Revolution

An essay/mission statement by:
Willis Gordon

For the past year and a half we have been bombarded by election coverage in every medium imaginable. I myself have been up to my ears in the campaign an frankly, I'm starting to get a little weird.

As agonizingly hilarious as it has been to watch both sides of the political aisle make complete asses of themselves, I take comfort in the fact that I am in no way shape or form attached to these people. I've been a registered Independent since 2007 and, it's certainly had it's perks. Candidates don't take your vote for granted, and don't blow you off as brazenly as they would their own constituents. Every four years they come groveling for your vote, and when you're an Ohioan like me, the groveling is especially pathetic. Slobbering lips and outstretched hands...Not a shred of dignity left intact on the Midwestern plains.

This is all well and good, the extra attention, the free lunches, the complimentary drinks at desperate meetings with grassroots campaigners, and all the enthusiastic partisan co-eds a man can ask for. But there's got to be something more for us forward thinking individuals who simply cannot stomach the idea of either party running this country into the ground any longer.

So after updating my wardrobe the other day, I went to celebrate at my favorite bar. About three drinks in, I had a revelation during a campaign ad...In a world where there is no hope for the lost and no rest for the wicked, there needed to be a place for the people on the outskirts; All those guys who feel bad for being the most informed guy in the room and never being heard. It was then I decided I would form a new Political Party: The Banana Republicans.

We are fashion forward, social drinking, morally flexible, recreational drug-taking political centrists, moderates, and independents. We believe policy can be talked out over cocktails, and that there is absolutely no excuse for Rick Santorum's sweater-vests. We listen to good music, better ideas, and believe that max volume is only mandatory for one of those things.

We believe in spiking John Boehner's coffee with DMT and sending him out in front of the press. We do not waste booze, or taxpayer money. We are well dressed and well spoken, caddish and charming, rakish, yet respectable. And we will be heard. This is the party of the Informed Citizen, the party of the Last Patriots (Tom Brady is invited, but only if he brings Giselle). If you're sick and tired of the partisan dog-fighting, the same old song and dance, then this is the party for you. We're not here to shove religion down your throat, and we never back down from the people who do.

We are about Freedom because we are Free Men and Women. We're here for the stoners, the boozers, the sex addicts, the music freaks, the style gurus, the undecided voters, the Surprisingly Well Informed Stripper(s), the gear heads, the artists, the hard working lower class that everyone seems to forget about. The struggling middle class, the globetrotting rich, whatever your tax bracket as long as you're as fed up as we are.

The third and final Presidential Debate is tonight. If you're anything like us, you've been watching in disgust. I've just been getting insanely hammered, trying to forget how impossibly fucked we are no matter what happens this November. But know this, The Banana Republican Revolution has begun. We are small in number now, but like all great things, we're catching on. Look for us in your local bars, bookstores, and concert venues. Wherever good clothes, good drinks, good books, and beautiful people can be found, we'll be there.

In the closing week of the election, I for one will be drinking heavily and teetering on the brink of manic-depressive breakdown. Is this really all it comes down to? Crony Capitalism and desperate liberalism in the shape of two baldfaced liars? This is the only cure to this sickness...Well, that and buying a new suit.

I've been meaning to pay Brooks Brothers a visit anyway...